Not Fulfilling
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sometimes I think, that I haven't lived a fulfilling life if I regret anything, or wish anything to be different. Yes I do regret some things, some controllable things, some not. I used to regret not joining T&F, but now everything concerning that has more or less simmered down into nothing. I wish I had gotten into SLCOT too, though I'm in CSMOT. Why? I dunno. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I'm better off where I am, to be thankful for whatever's happened already. Other times it tears me apart, and every other thing I regret comes spilling out. It's like a trigger for a cascade of regrets in my life. This is definitely something I wish I could change in my life, some part of me that I wish I could erase, not correction tape out, but completely erase, eradicate. Correction tape is the correspondent of covering up, burying whatever feeling with more feelings, in the hope of solving the impossible problem. Erasing is completely eradicating, and never able to see again, not even when you flip your paper over, not even when you hold it up to the light. It's gone.
To do, impossible; in the words of Yoda, but as with many impossible things, we try nonetheless. [And] Thus the search for fulfillment continues.
