December thoughts
Thursday, December 28, 2017
The award for song of the month has to go to 'In the blood' by John Mayer, and if you haven't heard it yet, go and put it on while you read this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgL8HT0a_Gg). It will (hopefully) put you in the right mood for what you're about to read. If not that's fine too, never wise to force your opinions onto someone else (even if I did give you the link to play it), and I'll quote it from time to time in the writing of this piece.
When does being sentimental start to become selfish? (this is not from the song)
Someone remarked to me that the two are inextricable. I guess it makes sense when you see that part of doing something for someone else is that congratulatory feeling of pride you get for yourself for having done it. In the borrowed words of Milan Kundera, "we cry one tear for the children playing on the grass, and then we cry another tear for our ability to cry at the children playing on the grass." The thought came to mind when I was trying to find time to write Christmas cards (which I love to do, and was dearly looking forward to), and I had the sense that other people (including some that I am close to) might not appreciate them as much as I thought they would. But I wanted to write the cards, I wanted people to know how I felt about them (mainly sappy, emotional things) - and even if they didn't want them, I'd write it for them, and give it to them anyway.
Now the idea that one could get so riled up over Christmas cards sounds rather ludicrous, but we shall continue. So, how much does the sentimentalism that I attach to the cards benefit myself and not others? Where does it stop and where does it begin - does the satisfaction derive from giving them out, or from knowing that they feel appreciated - should it be predicated on someone else's emotions (one can never be too sure what other people are going to feel after all) - and should benefits be mutually exclusive, or can they be shared among people?
I guess it'll always be important to me that people I value know that they are, and how much they are (everyone deserves, and will appreciate a bit of love once in awhile). The intent is a sort of validation, and affirmation of the friendship (which are not things one should crave for, but accept graciously when given), and to that end things don't seem so bad anymore. Naturally, I gain a sense of satisfaction from having written all the cards - it flushes me with a warm coziness - and to reconcile these thoughts I'd say that personal satisfaction is an inevitable byproduct, something you don't go into writing Christmas cards to gain, but something you get out of it anyway (not something to crave, but to accept graciously when felt).
What if people don't care that you've written a nice card to them, and accuse you of being self-indulgent in your own trumped up emotions? Well then these are not people you want to hang out with, and if you can possibly imagine your friends being like this, then something's not right somewhere (you, him, both of you). Of course things would be very different if the goal was for people to return the sentiments, in somewhat of an elaborate fishing-for-compliments scheme. So, don't be that guy I guess.
To escape sentimentality's self-indulgent cycle, one has to be critical of what the feelings are, and question whether they are doing any good. Question where they come from, and whether they're rooted in the right intentions.
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Had a few talks with a couple of people recently, about how much of ourselves we should be in a relationship. I've held the opinion for a while that being in love is also being vulnerable. Why? Because when we are willing to show sides of us that we are normally afraid people will reject or laugh at, sides that we don't think the world will accept, it's somewhat of the ultimate expression of trust. What's the point of being in a relationship where one has curate themselves, how they appear to their significant other, just so that they will stay with them? Being in love should be where you are comfortable being yourself.
It's much easier said than done of course. We are always afraid of being completely open, because we don't want people to run away. Craving companionship is dangerous (well craving anything is dangerous), because we are bound to get upset and hurt someday, in some way or another. Nonetheless, just because something scares us doesn't mean we shouldn't do it (not at least in this context - not meant to legitimise a liking for the horror genre) - and I believe that once you have it, it'll feel like the best thing in the world.
On friendship (not from the song either)
I’ve come to some realisations about friendship - that what I’m looking for in any good friendship is when we can reach a stage of complete honesty, with no holds barred, and we feel like we can talk without inhibition. This takes effort in both sides - to be involved in the conversation, be willing to share ones life, and to be genuinely interested in the other’s life. Admittedly, getting here takes a bit of effort. You’ve gotta have the right atmosphere: usually it’s at night when the darkness electrifies the atmosphere and makes connections easier to form, when you feel like it’s just the two (or more) of you in the world, when the world’s kinda slowed down and a calm sense of peace has settled inside the bubble you reside in.
Sometimes you’ve gotta have known the person for a while, but sometimes you just connect and things just happen. It’s not so much a question of the length of a friendship (although admittedly when people share memories the nostalgia can create that mood as well), but the effort taken to really polish(?) that unrefined coal of friendship. Sometimes you have to go through hell and back with the person to know that anything’s possible - if you’ve come back from that you can do anything.
And sometimes friendships just never reach that point. People seem too distant, like they’ve got separate lives they dedicate their time to instead, they’re not invested enough in you (and you can’t expect them to be either), like they’re closed off (although then you may just need to probe a little bit).
Once you’ve reached that point it’s hard to forget it though, and hard to lose it too I feel - as long as you can sort of recreate the moment. You want to go back because it makes you feel comfortable, it’s somewhere you feel safe, where you can really be yourself with no frills and airs. And that’s what we’re all looking for right? Somewhere and someone whom we can feel like ourselves with - with all the unpopular opinions we have, all the terrible things we’ve done, and with all the cravings of the heart we can express.
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Does it now? I guess this one really hit home (pun unintended), and it's probably what attracted me to the song in the first place - this and the line before 'how much like my brothers, do my brothers want to be?'. Family has always been an important theme to me, because of how much I feel it should mean, against what reality presents for me. I definitely want a family of my own in the future, (and this is not meant to sound sad, or tragic) to just do things differently. Thought I'm not sure what I'll teach my kids in the future haha - how to decide what's important, what kind of example I want to set, what do I want them to do. And then there's the daunting prospect of finding someone else as well - but things have a way of working themselves out don't they?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
Are we destined to be a certain way, or are we free to make choices in our own life? If there's a grand plan for us out there somewhere, how much of what we achieve is our own effort, and how much is something we are 'entitled to'. I guess at the end of the day, we reap what we sow, and whatever help we get will at best catalyse the efforts we put in, and can never generate success on their own. You've gotta get out there and help yourself first.
Will it be a good blog, or is it just pretentious writing? (do you think this is from the song?)
Tbh, it's cathartic - and whatever helps me works right haha
December thoughts
Thursday, December 28, 2017
The award for song of the month has to go to 'In the blood' by John Mayer, and if you haven't heard it yet, go and put it on while you read this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgL8HT0a_Gg). It will (hopefully) put you in the right mood for what you're about to read. If not that's fine too, never wise to force your opinions onto someone else (even if I did give you the link to play it), and I'll quote it from time to time in the writing of this piece.
When does being sentimental start to become selfish? (this is not from the song)
Someone remarked to me that the two are inextricable. I guess it makes sense when you see that part of doing something for someone else is that congratulatory feeling of pride you get for yourself for having done it. In the borrowed words of Milan Kundera, "we cry one tear for the children playing on the grass, and then we cry another tear for our ability to cry at the children playing on the grass." The thought came to mind when I was trying to find time to write Christmas cards (which I love to do, and was dearly looking forward to), and I had the sense that other people (including some that I am close to) might not appreciate them as much as I thought they would. But I wanted to write the cards, I wanted people to know how I felt about them (mainly sappy, emotional things) - and even if they didn't want them, I'd write it for them, and give it to them anyway.
Now the idea that one could get so riled up over Christmas cards sounds rather ludicrous, but we shall continue. So, how much does the sentimentalism that I attach to the cards benefit myself and not others? Where does it stop and where does it begin - does the satisfaction derive from giving them out, or from knowing that they feel appreciated - should it be predicated on someone else's emotions (one can never be too sure what other people are going to feel after all) - and should benefits be mutually exclusive, or can they be shared among people?
I guess it'll always be important to me that people I value know that they are, and how much they are (everyone deserves, and will appreciate a bit of love once in awhile). The intent is a sort of validation, and affirmation of the friendship (which are not things one should crave for, but accept graciously when given), and to that end things don't seem so bad anymore. Naturally, I gain a sense of satisfaction from having written all the cards - it flushes me with a warm coziness - and to reconcile these thoughts I'd say that personal satisfaction is an inevitable byproduct, something you don't go into writing Christmas cards to gain, but something you get out of it anyway (not something to crave, but to accept graciously when felt).
What if people don't care that you've written a nice card to them, and accuse you of being self-indulgent in your own trumped up emotions? Well then these are not people you want to hang out with, and if you can possibly imagine your friends being like this, then something's not right somewhere (you, him, both of you). Of course things would be very different if the goal was for people to return the sentiments, in somewhat of an elaborate fishing-for-compliments scheme. So, don't be that guy I guess.
To escape sentimentality's self-indulgent cycle, one has to be critical of what the feelings are, and question whether they are doing any good. Question where they come from, and whether they're rooted in the right intentions.
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Had a few talks with a couple of people recently, about how much of ourselves we should be in a relationship. I've held the opinion for a while that being in love is also being vulnerable. Why? Because when we are willing to show sides of us that we are normally afraid people will reject or laugh at, sides that we don't think the world will accept, it's somewhat of the ultimate expression of trust. What's the point of being in a relationship where one has curate themselves, how they appear to their significant other, just so that they will stay with them? Being in love should be where you are comfortable being yourself.
It's much easier said than done of course. We are always afraid of being completely open, because we don't want people to run away. Craving companionship is dangerous (well craving anything is dangerous), because we are bound to get upset and hurt someday, in some way or another. Nonetheless, just because something scares us doesn't mean we shouldn't do it (not at least in this context - not meant to legitimise a liking for the horror genre) - and I believe that once you have it, it'll feel like the best thing in the world.
On friendship (not from the song either)
I’ve come to some realisations about friendship - that what I’m looking for in any good friendship is when we can reach a stage of complete honesty, with no holds barred, and we feel like we can talk without inhibition. This takes effort in both sides - to be involved in the conversation, be willing to share ones life, and to be genuinely interested in the other’s life. Admittedly, getting here takes a bit of effort. You’ve gotta have the right atmosphere: usually it’s at night when the darkness electrifies the atmosphere and makes connections easier to form, when you feel like it’s just the two (or more) of you in the world, when the world’s kinda slowed down and a calm sense of peace has settled inside the bubble you reside in.
Sometimes you’ve gotta have known the person for a while, but sometimes you just connect and things just happen. It’s not so much a question of the length of a friendship (although admittedly when people share memories the nostalgia can create that mood as well), but the effort taken to really polish(?) that unrefined coal of friendship. Sometimes you have to go through hell and back with the person to know that anything’s possible - if you’ve come back from that you can do anything.
And sometimes friendships just never reach that point. People seem too distant, like they’ve got separate lives they dedicate their time to instead, they’re not invested enough in you (and you can’t expect them to be either), like they’re closed off (although then you may just need to probe a little bit).
Once you’ve reached that point it’s hard to forget it though, and hard to lose it too I feel - as long as you can sort of recreate the moment. You want to go back because it makes you feel comfortable, it’s somewhere you feel safe, where you can really be yourself with no frills and airs. And that’s what we’re all looking for right? Somewhere and someone whom we can feel like ourselves with - with all the unpopular opinions we have, all the terrible things we’ve done, and with all the cravings of the heart we can express.
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Does it now? I guess this one really hit home (pun unintended), and it's probably what attracted me to the song in the first place - this and the line before 'how much like my brothers, do my brothers want to be?'. Family has always been an important theme to me, because of how much I feel it should mean, against what reality presents for me. I definitely want a family of my own in the future, (and this is not meant to sound sad, or tragic) to just do things differently. Thought I'm not sure what I'll teach my kids in the future haha - how to decide what's important, what kind of example I want to set, what do I want them to do. And then there's the daunting prospect of finding someone else as well - but things have a way of working themselves out don't they?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
Are we destined to be a certain way, or are we free to make choices in our own life? If there's a grand plan for us out there somewhere, how much of what we achieve is our own effort, and how much is something we are 'entitled to'. I guess at the end of the day, we reap what we sow, and whatever help we get will at best catalyse the efforts we put in, and can never generate success on their own. You've gotta get out there and help yourself first.
Will it be a good blog, or is it just pretentious writing? (do you think this is from the song?)
Tbh, it's cathartic - and whatever helps me works right haha
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Kay Han
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I like writing, though I can't say that I'm terribly good at it
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